“Let’s take a break” or the Last letter of love

I still can hear you say it. It still echoes in my mind.

From what exactly do you want to take a break from? From me? Or from your life?

You wanted to take a break, so I give it to you. After all, who was I to even dare to stop you? You wanted freedom, I gave you that too. I only hope that you will remember what I thought you. Actually, I hope you will know how to use this time. Now you have time to think about what happens.

But oh, the irony. You are still coming back to me. YOU wanted all this freedom, why are you now right beside me, maybe more close than ever?

Don’t answer, because it does not matter anymore. I made peace with myself, with our past, with my past, and with you.

 

“My eye sight blurry, my inner vision clear tho(…) “[listen here]

Eye sight blurry. That is how you left me. It took me hella long to be able just to live. Months later, my eye sight was still blurry, but my inner vision was clear. You can’t hurt me anymore, and our past is long ago buried.

I can breathe without you, it had happened to me multiple times in a row.

 

….

 

More months later, this is what I would like to tell you:

The last letter of love

Because this is the end, I’m going to end everything just like I started everything. With a letter. I know, this time is not framed, but it’s put out there so everyone can see. I wanted to shout my remaining love, I wanted to let others know how much I loved you, in the attempt that maybe my love is finally going to consume itself.

Babe, you can’t take a break from people or from life. People still keep on existing, they keep on feeling, and life keeps going forward without stopping. You can’t make people stop their lives just because you want to. You can’t want your loved one to do that if you already left her stripped naked to the soul. We both made so many mistakes, and in the process you managed to break me. There is no way back, I am truly sorry, my love. It’s better this way. For both of us. I am not going to bash you, I managed to forgive you somehow. I no longer have unanswered questions and I no longer have any doubts. From all the good, the bad and the ugly, I want us to leave with this:

Thank you. Really. Thank you for everything. Even for breaking me and breaking up with me. Because I would not be here, where I am today and where I will be tomorrow. Thank you for all your lessons, I will never forget them, I swear. Thank you for teaching me that what I truly am is shown through my attitude and how I feel inside. Thank you for growing up with me. Thank you for teaching me how to live. Thank you for trying to teach me how to play video games and to keep us close. Thank you for not sleeping for my sake. Thank you for trying and for being you. Thank you for your passion, thank you for getting to know me so damn well, thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for being open minded, thank you for your crazy, stupid jokes that made me laugh. Thank you for the little child that was still in you, because it brought mine back to life. Thank you for not having flaws, because I loved you so damn much(I still do, no worries). Thank you for bearing with my crazy addiction with Christmas and carols. I know they drove you mad, but thank you for letting my inner child be free. Thank you for loving the crazy person that I can sometimes turn into. Thank you for all the Kinder eggs and random toys. Thank you for teaching me how to not be a quitter. Thank you for all the meals that we shared and for all the meals that you prepared. Thank you for considering holidays with me special. Thank you for your protection and for your love. Thank you for playing with me. Thank you for all that was good.

And thank you for all the bad and the ugly too. Thank you for making me cry alone even while you were in the room. Thank you for all the sleepless nights, thank you for all the tears and thank you for all the little tears that you made in my heart. Thank you for breaking me, for getting with other girls and for forgetting me. Thank you for belittling me, for your harsh words and for your insults. Thank you for treating me like I was nobody.

Thank you for letting me alone in a desert, thank you for ripping me from you, and thank you for being a true jerk until the very last moment.

For when you left me, you did me the best favor ever.

Signed,

M,

your ex life.

 

*Disclaimer: Hi, hello, thank you for reading this. I just wanted to tell you that this is a real story, true like life, and all my being was poured into this letter. I wanted to showcase how love can be everything, and that love can change. Love can be nice, sweet, consuming and toxic at the same time. If this brings just a little bit of awareness for you, then I am happy. *

 

 

@1001truths

The easiest goodbye or How to let go of the past (last part?!)

Part 1 here.

Part 2 here.

Part 3 here.

Part 4 here.

How was I supposed to forget everything?

You left me still believing that you will come back. I was stupid enough to wait for you for a while. But somehow, in the process, I began to walk forward. And it felt liberating. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could direct my life however I wanted. I felt like I had to own my life, now that you were just so far away.

Being out of my reach helped me. A lot. It made me realize that I should never get back to you. That I should never even look back. I did not have to wait for you since you were so clear about what path that you wanted to take. I am sorry only because I tried to somehow stop you and to make you change your mind. Your mind was already set from the very first second when you walked away. The odds say that actually you will realize things long after I am gone.

I stayed. I cried. I suffered. I lived accompanied by the pain. I chocked on my own words. I smothered myself with the future that we did not share anymore. I drowned in my own actions. I hit myself with all the memories over and over and over again.

But guess what? In the end I was the one that came out of it more mature, more experienced and with lots of lessons that I will never forget. From all this I rose more human, more present and more conscious about my life and my person. From all these nasty, ugly things, I rose more powerful and with an incredible desire for beautiful people, beautiful places and beautiful things to do.

I have so much to accomplish, I have so many dreams, I have so many things to share. I have such a nice power inside of me that keeps on growing.

I managed to make myself happy again, and I dare to say I am at the happiest I have ever been. I managed to do that. I proved myself that I can do all the things that we once did, I proved myself that I can live without you, and most importantly, I proved myself that I can breath easily without you.

I don’t say this to make you feel less about yourself, or to make you run from me. I say this because I came from a very dark place, a place that you put me in, and I came out of it by myself. And that helped a lot.

The easiest goodbye is the one that you never have to say. Sometimes you don’t even need words. Actually, most of the times you don’t. You just know. You just feel.

From this point on, I am only going to listen to my instinct. No more, no less.

Eff all the rules that you put. Eff all the boundaries that you build. Eff every little nasty moment. From this point on, freedom screams in my face. And I scream back at it.

 

 

@1001truths

 

 

 

 

Choosing or How to let go of the past (part 4)

Part 1 here.

Part 2 here.

Part 3 here

 

Part 4. CHOOSE

“To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over. No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or swear it…It’s over. It can hurt you no more” – Mandy Hale

 

What I really needed was to go away from you. To let the real pain sink in and figure out my own life without you. I needed to not see your eyes, to not hear your voice, to not sense you around me. I needed you to be the brave one here and really leave me alone once I said so.

I needed to choose. Not for ourselves, “WE” ceased to exist. I needed to choose for myself. What I wanted.  I needed to find myself once again, I needed to find my dreams again, to look around me and see what life I was really living and what life I was leaving.

And you know what I realized? That I lived alone for so much time. I was mostly imagining our life, because you were out there living a different one. I lived in your lies, I believed your lies, I breathed your lies and I guided myself with you lies.

You are a different person now and somehow you say that you know what is the best for me. Oh well…No.  You don’t.  And you lost your right to say something when you dared to hurt me so that it would be easier for you, when you dared to direct my life.

In the process, I found myself, I found my dreams and what life I was living. I found that I still love you a lot, but now it’s the moment for me to choose. Between what to choose exactly?

Between a life with you and a life that I had no idea how it would turn up to be. And I chose the last one.

Why? I am not selfish, don’t throw mud in my face. I am just doing what you did several months ago, I am thinking about myself, now that I don’t have anything to lose.

I am not only thinking about myself. I am also thinking about my family, about my friends and the soon to be friends. About my future kids. I know I won’t be at my best if I’m staying here living either a lie or an expired story. I won’t be able to show them my best if I am destroying myself.

I know that I won’t be able to be as happy as I was  if I turn around because you hurt me too much. And the one that hurts you can’t fix you back. There’s nothing you can tell me that could heal the wounds that I still have. You just can’t.

I am not so sure that we can have a future together. But now I know where to put my love for you  and how to go on with my life.

 

Still a question remains… How do I really let you go? How do I forget you? Or at least, how do I keep you in my memories without them hurting me every time?

 

To be continued…

Last part here.

@1001truths

Stop knocking! There’s no one here!(part 2 of2)

Part 1 here .

You said to her that she had too much nerve to choose this path. When she took the way that was not the same as yours, you panicked and you started to throw words that were not supposed to be said. Not by you, the love of her life. You became desperate to keep her in place. That’s not what love means, dear.

You said “I love you too, but love is not enough and I hope you realize that”. Oh well, guess what? Love would have been enough. You, however, were not enough. You were not even there, besides her.

You also said that you played the bad guy in order to help her. Really? How do YOU have such nerve to say what is best for her and what is not? Who are you to control her life to such an extent? She can choose for herself, you selfish man!

Don’t blame anyone but yourself for this. You pushed her away. Don’t push her back in the darkness. At least, if you say that you love her so much, let her live the way she wants and let her be whatever she wants, wherever she chooses to. Be brave in this last moment and let her go.

Stop thinking about the past, she is not looking in that direction anymore. She already thanked you that you hurt her so much that you taught her how to not be vulnerable anymore and to not settle for less.

She told you in the past to not play games with her and to be man enough to admit what you want. You couldn’t care less. You chose your own path, and now you blame her for choosing one too.

Yes, she still believes that love can help. She still waits patiently for the love of her life. But now she is living her life to the fullest and she learns how to sustain that forever.

Don’t take too much credit about her shift in living. And that because in the end, you will not manage to cross paths with her again. And she will make sure that won’t even be the case.

 

Stop knocking. Stop waiting by her soul. She’s not there anymore.

-True story-

 

 

@1001truths

 

Stop knocking! There’s no one here!(part 1 of2)

Stop knocking! There’s no one here that you know anymore.

No. She left. She left when you managed to rip her soul out. She left when her love for you hurt her more than the act of letting you go. She left when you started looking around for other people. She separated from you a long time ago, but she didn’t know it yet. No disconnection happens over night.

She touched your arm and you backed away. You don’t know how that still hurt her.

She loved something that she didn’t have. She did not have you around anymore. You did not care about her anymore. She loved you too much, dear. You still say that you care, but she doesn’t feel it. You did not show it. But… Why did her heart still insists on loving you?

You said that you two talk more now that you are no longer together. Strangely enough, you are the one that starts the conversations. YOU are the one that is more open. YOU are the one that longs for conversations with her, because you miss them. YOU made this possible because YOU took this decision. But a little bit too late. She did not change, boy, you did. Yes, she seems different, more approachable, but only because her soul is not hurt on the daily basis anymore.

You are a bad memory. But still her memory. But you won’t show up in her mind every day, don’t worry. She will have a nicer life now that she was hurt by the most important person in her life. She will know how to live her life because now nothing hurts her.

You build her for the last time. You showed her a better path, and she took it. You banished her from you life while showing her a brighter way. She took the hint and while her eyes were blurry from all the tears, she still took that path blindly. And it was oh, so good.

 

-True story-

To be continued…

Part 2 here .

@1001truths

 

Figuring out or How to let go of the past(part 3)

Part 1 here  and part 2 here .

“Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know what everything happens for a reason…”

“Before you can see the light, you have to deal with the darkness” – Dan MIllman

 

Once you burst you bubble, you are raw. The rawest you’ve ever been. There’s nothing to protect you from the outside. This is your crucial moment. What you do now can determine your future.

 

3. Distinguishing between fairytale and reality

 

Yes, you will be hurt. Yes, you won’t know where to turn. Yes, it’s going to burn inside. Yes, you won’t make much sense for some months. Yes, you are going to hurt yourself with all the memories. But yes, you will not be hurt forever. You will be hurt until you choose to be hurt. Until the point you realize that you either go back or jump into the unknown and hope for the best. 

 

I’m not even mad. I don’t hate you. I can still talk to you. I can still hang out with you. I can do with you all the normal things I can do with a stranger, because this is what you turned yourself into: a stranger.

 What I really am…I am disappointed. I am disappointed that I ignored all the people around me when they’d tried to help me. I am disappointed that I defended you endless times when everybody said you do me wrong, because I thought you were different. I am disappointed that you turned out to be just like everybody else. I am disappointed that I didn’t listen to my friends when they said that is not worth it, that I am going to destroy myself. I am disappointed that we lost so much time hurting each other. I am disappointed that you turned into something that you said you’d never be.

I am disappointed that you left like that. I am disappointed that you never looked back to see if I am still standing. I am disappointed that I vanished so quickly from your life. I am disappointed that despite the fact that you said I was the only good thing that was happening in your life, you got over me so damn quickly. I am disappointed that I did not see who you really were.

 And I am afraid you don’t sense your changes, that you will wake up one day and you won’t recognize your own life. And I will not be there for you to help you figure out what went wrong.

 I am close to the end of this ugly part. Sadly my dear, dear lost soul, your part didn’t even begin.

 

 

Part 4 here.

Last part here.

@1001truths

 

“You never knew me”

“What do you really want from me?

To leave? To stay? To hide? To freeze the time?

Do you want me to begin my future without you, despite the fact that we chose the same path a long time ago?

Why do I have to choose? When did it stopped to be a decision that we should take together?

Why did you told me so many beautiful words, why did you build your dreams with me?

It hurts now that everything that I believed in turned out to be a big lie. It gets even harder when I hit myself every day by all the things that we wanted and all the things that we’d built.

I don’t hate you, but I don’t understand why you had to go like that… Why the words don’t matter anymore and why we stepped on our feelings like that…

Why?”

 

HIM:

“ I don’t want things from you, my dear. I love you so much that I don’t want something. I want everything from you. I want you to have all the best, even if I don’t get to be the one that gives you that..

I want you to build your life not depending on me. I want you to not care about what I want.

I want you to go and figure out what you like and don’t like. What you want from this life. Don’t let me keep you in place. Don’t let my selfish words guide your world.

I love you so much, but I never realized it. I got distracted by everyone and I forgot about you. I never deserved you, baby. I forgot how much you meant for me. Don’t allow me to be a distraction in your path. You already figured out your life, I didn’t. I’ve been selfish for so long.

I want you to know that it will all be alright in the end. If we manage to pass this period, no matter how harsh it’ll be, everything it’s going to be allright.

But I don’t want to not let me stop you. You can hate me and do what you gotta do. I will let you do that. “

“Why does this come this late? I can’t trust you anymore. You already kept me in place for so much time. And you still don’t know when you are going to come back to me. What will turn out to be ok in the end? When is this <end> going to happen? After I am all destroyed by you and the things that you do? No, thank you. We are not on the same path for so much time.”

“….”

“ I know. You never knew what to say. You never knew me.”

 

@1001truths

 

Bet you wish,you fool!

“I can’t control your behavior; nor do I want that burden… but I will not apologize for refusing to be disrespected, to be lied to, or to be mistreated.” – Steve Maraboli

Now that you are hurt, you’d wish to turn back to me.

Now that people don’t treat you as nice as I did, you realized what you really had.

Now you wish you didn’t put your hands on her.

Now you wish you could turn back and rewrite the story.

We both took this path in life. Bet you wish you’d have kept the same way as me now.

You understand a lot now, but you are way too late, my beloved.

Don’t speak about love, what you did until the very last moment skinned me alive. I am sure that you loved me the best you could, but your mistakes were too much to handle.

Don’t try to repair anything…There is nothing that you could say that would fix me.

I have nothing more to give you. You took all the best out of me. Don’t worry though. I am just finishing my recovery.

 

 

@1001truths

 

“I miss loving him, dear.”

Waves of pain hit her every.single.day. She’s surrounded by you, by your smell, by your clothes, by your things, by the things that you liked and by the things that she learnt from you. More than half of the person that she is today is build by you. How can she stop loving you?

Sometimes the pain takes her breath away, she tries to get away from you, but the more she tries to, the more you appear in her mind and in her soul, stealing every drop of love that she still has, cutting her every.single.time. How can she stop loving you?

She smells your perfume. But it isn’t only that. All your memories hit her, all at the same time. She remembers how much you said you loved her, how you couldn’t live without her, how much you appreciated her. How can she forget all that?

Her arms are now empty. Her soul is now deserted. Her heart is lost, left with a lot of love to give but with no one to give it to.

It hurts. But here you are, in front of an unstable future. A future that you brought. Your future. The easiness with which you left made her question you. She questioned everything. She sat back and reflected on the real you, now that her love was rejected by you. She finally understood how you managed to leave so easily. You were already over her. You were already eager to try something fresh. You didn’t know what you were really loosing. You were already looking ahead. But you WILL look back someday.

She was finally living in reality. And you know what, you fool? She decided to let you go.

There are still so many unspoken words, so many things that should have happened, so many moments that you two should have lived. But those don’t matter anymore.

It just so happens that is too late. For everything. She waited too damn much time for something to happen. She waited oh, so much time for you to recover. She hoped for the best…. She hoped that you will remember her, and someday you will take her hand and continue your road together. But no, instead you shot her straight in the core and left her naked in the middle of nowhere.

You did not care. But no worries. It’s all ok now.

She undoubtedly recovered. She undoubtedly became strong. She undoubtedly ceased to care.

 

She undoubtedly left you.

 

 

– inspired by one of my beloved friend-

 

 

@1001truths

 

Change?!

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end” – Robin Sharma

You asked her to change so many times. And she did. In return, she asked you to be the true you.

She was falling to pieces right beside you and you didn’t even noticed. At some point she would have changed so much that you wouldn’t even recognize her, and you would have sat back and asked “What happened?”.

She already changed. She already left some parts of herself in the past in order for you to be happier. She refused herself lots of things in order to keep you contented. She got over everything, she couldn’t be bothered anymore. Those parts of her were broken. It was too late to try and fix it.

She asked you through her eyes to do something before the last intact piece would break. You used to fix her in the past. For some time, she fixed herself, but every time you hit, she would built up something even weaker. At a point, she did not have anything to build up with.

She begged you through her eyes to not transform her into a wreck. You did not care, while she needed you more than air.

But you left. Without a notice. You looked back and said that she was too clingy, that she loved you too much. She was not, you fool! She just cared too much about a weaker person than herself. She wanted all the normal things. She used to be a light in this sad world of yours, and you managed to shut her off for good. And forever.

You asked her to change. And she did. Right after you left. But not like you wanted. You created a person that will never look at you with the same eyes. You left a soul that could have followed you till the end of time, and that soul learnt through pain that being weak is not a choice anymore.

Don’t take too much credit, yes indeed, she did become strong through you, but you were a jerk nonetheless. And you will never have her in your arms again. You will remember that the light in her eyes was you guide, but only when she will glance at you for the last time to say good bye.

Did it really paid off?

@1001truths