What 92 days taught me(A summer serie-part 3)

 

Isn’t summer great? Even when it ends, it’s still wonderful. Do you remember how you were back in spring? Didn’t the summer moved you, changed you, made you a little bit better? I know it did all of that for me. Either that, or HOW CAN 3 MONTHS CHANGE THE ISH OUT OF YOU!!!

I just want to remind you that life happens right now, and you don’t deserve to waste it. I just want to push you to the best version of you. And it just happens that when the seasons change, when your activities change and when perspectives shifts, you get a boost of so much needed energy.

 

Starting from the bottom, now we are… in the middle.

YES! Still wishing for the very top. But there is a journey that stands between you and that. And more often than not, your own mind plays tricks on you, and you have to overcome ’em.

4 WORDS: NIGHTS ON THE BEACH. Or everything that has to do with a beach. I cannot wait for the last moments of summer on the beach, when everything just slows down and you get a boost of great energy.

Don’t you just learn a lot about you when you travel? In my travelings this year, I know I discovered a lot, and I did not even realized it. I knew that 2016 it’s considered to be a year of change for the willings, but really…I have never expected THESE in this summer, these past 92 days:

☼ spiritual breakthroughs

☼ a place for deep peace

☼ learning

☼ finding out that opportunities come disguised more often than you choose to believe

☼ to never say ‘Never’

☼ that life brings you the best and the worst and it’s only up to you to manage everything

☼ that novelty it’s everywhere around you, you just have to look

☼ that you don’t have to define yourself using other people, ever

☼ that freedom can be found literally everywhere

☼ that fighting is not an option, it’s the ONLY OPTION

☼ that being yourself is the only way you can begin to be happy

☼ even when something bad happens, it can actually turn out to be a major switch in your life

☼ trips with friends are LIFE

☼ you can be free with people around you too; it’s even better like that

☼ when everything fades in the background, all that is left is LOVE

☼ people can take things from you, but they can never take your knowledge, your dignity and your being

☼ concerts with the right people…you need that at least once every summer

☼ people..you need them every damn day

☼ the right energy gets you far

☼ anxiety can be fought

☼ your can be the boss of your brain… all day, every day

☼ your reactions have a logic reasoning…you are not crazy

☼ neurolinguistic programming is your boss…really. Learn to master that and you are in business

☼ good manners, good grammar and good attitude take you far, and no matter how cool it is to be a rebel, there is no way you can fail using them

☼ play by your music, but make sure that you are in sync from time to time( if you have a little knowledge about how remixes or mixes are made, than you really get what I am saying)

☼ random people cannot define you, no matter what they say, good or bad

☼ independence is all great, but don’t forget that you can actually click with people, you just need the right people for you, and you are the only one that can determine their characteristics

☼ let people do whatever they want, you will never change a person if he is not willing to do that by himself

☼ harsh experiences = BEST LESSONS EVERRRR SISTERRRRRRRR

☼ do not EVER underestimate your knowledge in different subjects or areas. Everything binds together and the greater the expansion, the greater the understanding

☼ YOU WON’T CARE ABOUT OTHER’S OPINIONs ON YOUR DEATH BED. Yeah, it’s creepy, but it doesn’t make it less true. Opinions are just some (don’t turn into a ruthless rebel villain now, please)

☼ rediscovering the joy of being me, of finding stuff out, of reading, of theater, of art in all forms

 One more season to go, right?

 

 

@1001truths

 

Things I always wanted to say but never did (relationship edition)

I was able to make conversation with anyone, except stupid people. I don’t force conversations and you should have known that.
I could meet someone and present myself, thank you very much. I did not need you to make me feel embarrassed about a thing that I would have done anyways, but you chose to poke my eyes out.
I loved deep conversations more than listening to your friends cry over the fact that they don’t have someone to marry to.
I like meeting new people, but they were the awkward ones, not me. They were the ones only talking to you and consciously choosing to ignore me.
My friends are my sisters, my family, and you deliberately chose to say nasty things about my relationship with them. They are still here with me and for me, while you are somewhere, God knows where.
Yes, I did talk to them about our relationship because you did not listen and I felt like I was going crazy. And because I was childish enough to believe that you will come to your senses.

Yes, I did talk some shit about you. ONCE, and while I was really over all your jerk fazes. I know it’s not an excuse, I realize it was not cool from my part. I was close to saying sorry, but you did not even deserve that. Too many mistakes, not many excuses.
I liked intimacy, in all of the ways, more than you chose to see, but what you understood about intimacy it meant only two naked bodies laying somewhere. I understood more than that, because two naked and vulnerable souls in the agitated life means much more than any act.
I was the one choosing to be vulnerable in front of you, not the other way around.
I was the one consciously falling in love and staying in love with you. I was the one that did not took you for granted, loving you every single day a little bit more, celebrating you, while you were out there playing with other souls(read *intimate parts)
I liked reading for longer time before I met you. You made it clear that it was not for you, and I did not judge you for it. Fast forward 4 years, you began reading philosophy and started belittling me and saying that we have no common subject to talk about, while I was interested in more subjects than you ever were.
I never cared about your appearance, it’s yours, you take care of that. 4 years later, guess who judged me because I gained weight.
I gained weight because you broke me piece by piece and I was not noticing. I was eating all the craps in the supermarket as much as I was swallowing every crap that came out of your mouth. I was binge eating and soon I became an emotional eater, because really my life sucked and I did not know why. Food gave me more comfort than you ever did in the past 2 years. And I forgave myself for that, and now I’m on a better path and getting into shape.
It was not me, it was you. I had a clear vision about life, you did not. Still you made me feel like I don’t know where I am going.
You threw more rocks at me than any stranger ever did. Ever heard about support?
You wanted to marry me. Really? I guess you wanted that just because I gave you the comfort and love that you never had. I was the only one giving that to you and you still left me in the dark.
I’m saying all this to you not because I’m angry, sad or because I want you back. No. Not even because I want you to see the truth or because I want us to be on the same page. Because we can’t anymore. But I’m saying all these because they were still in my mind and I had to get them out there. I am already so far from our past that I don’t even remember how you touch feels on my skin.
Yes, like me now. No, don’t love me now. I’m not coming back.

@1001truths

I want us to be strangers again.

Pages from a journal…

 

<I don’t hate you.

But I want to scream in your face and ask you why. I want to know why it had to happen like it did. I still want to know why all of this came so sudden. Why you changed like that. If you ever loved me. Was I ever really in your mind, or was I just a piece of meat that you could take whenever you liked?

I just want to scream in your face and beg you for an explanation. I am so tired of this end that did not really end. It’s all so fucked up, I can’t even understand what I am living. Why in the world did you send that message. after not talking with me for weeks? What did you expected? You’d like me to be at your disposal, no matter what? And meanwhile, you give a big s#!t about me, about my feelings and about our past and future.

I feel like I am back in time, 2 months ago, when nothing made sense. And I am tired of this stupid feeling. I am tired of having to care about you, I am tired of choosing my words, I am tired of being afraid to not hurt you somehow. I don’t even get it why I am afraid of that, no matter what I say you still manage to make that all about me.>

 

<Ok, I got your idea, I was the only one messing our relationship. You know what? You fucking messed up my entire life. I don’t even care about what you think about me, I just want you to leave me alone. But leave me for good.

No messages, no talking, no nothing. Don’t even think about me. Don’t miss me. Don’t touch me. Don’t remember. Don’t fantasize about lost times. I don’t want any of that. I cannot even stand the idea of you thinking about me, because you don’t see me as I really am. I don’t want your messed up ideas to interfere with the truth.>

 

<I am tired of not being seen as I am. I am tired of being taken for granted. I am tired of you remembering that I am still alive just when you need something, when there is no one around, and when is convenient for you. Because the fact of the matter is that no one is there. No one ever was. I cared for you, I loved you and I tried to help you. Maybe I was the first person doing that in your life. and maybe I will be the last. You are fucked up too. Persons that love unconditionally are not that easy to find. You threw all the mud in my face, and I was the only one, soul and body, dedicated to you.

I feel like I don’t even make sense. Again.

And I don’t understand why you still affect me. Why in the world I feel like s#!t surrounded by more s#!t on the planet full of s#!t. I don’t get it. I don’t even like you anymore, I don’t imagine my life with you and I don’t want to be near you, I don’t want to talk to you either. I don’t even want to see your name on my phone’s screen. Not because you hurt me, but because I want to get away from you. For good this time.>

 

<It makes no sense for us to even keep in touch. For what? We can’t be friends, lovers and bffs. We cant even be acquaintances. I want us to be strangers again. I want this pain in my chest to go away and I want to be able to breathe once again without constantly reminding myself that you were near me, once. I want this sorrow of my soul to vanish. I want you to vanish.

Who does that? Who plays with people like that. Who doesn’t give a s#!t about the person that they say they love the most? How could it ever be true? How can you call that love?

How did I loved you so much? Why? How could I fell in love with you even if you were the biggest jerk ever.

Go away, will you. In this very last moment, f***ing live me alone. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want you. I don’t want anyone. Go far, far away and live your happy little life with all the girls that you once wanted to get to  know.

You got your chance now. Go to them and leave me alone. Don’t come back to me, there is nothing to come back to.

************************(insert lots of nasty words 🙂 ),why the f**k do I still love you? What is there to love? There is nothing about you that resembles even a little bit the person that I fell in love with. What is this stupid thing that I am living?

At the very same time, I cannot believe that this is the end. Like the real one. There won’t be a connection between us. Ever again. How come? When did this really happen?

 

Don’t reach out for me. Just don’t. I am done. We are done. I am tired. I don’t want you. Don’t bother.>

 

 

 

@1001truths

 

 

Mistakes

 

 

 

 

 

“Let’s take a break” or the Last letter of love

I still can hear you say it. It still echoes in my mind.

From what exactly do you want to take a break from? From me? Or from your life?

You wanted to take a break, so I give it to you. After all, who was I to even dare to stop you? You wanted freedom, I gave you that too. I only hope that you will remember what I thought you. Actually, I hope you will know how to use this time. Now you have time to think about what happens.

But oh, the irony. You are still coming back to me. YOU wanted all this freedom, why are you now right beside me, maybe more close than ever?

Don’t answer, because it does not matter anymore. I made peace with myself, with our past, with my past, and with you.

 

“My eye sight blurry, my inner vision clear tho(…) “[listen here]

Eye sight blurry. That is how you left me. It took me hella long to be able just to live. Months later, my eye sight was still blurry, but my inner vision was clear. You can’t hurt me anymore, and our past is long ago buried.

I can breathe without you, it had happened to me multiple times in a row.

 

….

 

More months later, this is what I would like to tell you:

The last letter of love

Because this is the end, I’m going to end everything just like I started everything. With a letter. I know, this time is not framed, but it’s put out there so everyone can see. I wanted to shout my remaining love, I wanted to let others know how much I loved you, in the attempt that maybe my love is finally going to consume itself.

Babe, you can’t take a break from people or from life. People still keep on existing, they keep on feeling, and life keeps going forward without stopping. You can’t make people stop their lives just because you want to. You can’t want your loved one to do that if you already left her stripped naked to the soul. We both made so many mistakes, and in the process you managed to break me. There is no way back, I am truly sorry, my love. It’s better this way. For both of us. I am not going to bash you, I managed to forgive you somehow. I no longer have unanswered questions and I no longer have any doubts. From all the good, the bad and the ugly, I want us to leave with this:

Thank you. Really. Thank you for everything. Even for breaking me and breaking up with me. Because I would not be here, where I am today and where I will be tomorrow. Thank you for all your lessons, I will never forget them, I swear. Thank you for teaching me that what I truly am is shown through my attitude and how I feel inside. Thank you for growing up with me. Thank you for teaching me how to live. Thank you for trying to teach me how to play video games and to keep us close. Thank you for not sleeping for my sake. Thank you for trying and for being you. Thank you for your passion, thank you for getting to know me so damn well, thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for being open minded, thank you for your crazy, stupid jokes that made me laugh. Thank you for the little child that was still in you, because it brought mine back to life. Thank you for not having flaws, because I loved you so damn much(I still do, no worries). Thank you for bearing with my crazy addiction with Christmas and carols. I know they drove you mad, but thank you for letting my inner child be free. Thank you for loving the crazy person that I can sometimes turn into. Thank you for all the Kinder eggs and random toys. Thank you for teaching me how to not be a quitter. Thank you for all the meals that we shared and for all the meals that you prepared. Thank you for considering holidays with me special. Thank you for your protection and for your love. Thank you for playing with me. Thank you for all that was good.

And thank you for all the bad and the ugly too. Thank you for making me cry alone even while you were in the room. Thank you for all the sleepless nights, thank you for all the tears and thank you for all the little tears that you made in my heart. Thank you for breaking me, for getting with other girls and for forgetting me. Thank you for belittling me, for your harsh words and for your insults. Thank you for treating me like I was nobody.

Thank you for letting me alone in a desert, thank you for ripping me from you, and thank you for being a true jerk until the very last moment.

For when you left me, you did me the best favor ever.

Signed,

M,

your ex life.

 

*Disclaimer: Hi, hello, thank you for reading this. I just wanted to tell you that this is a real story, true like life, and all my being was poured into this letter. I wanted to showcase how love can be everything, and that love can change. Love can be nice, sweet, consuming and toxic at the same time. If this brings just a little bit of awareness for you, then I am happy. *

 

 

@1001truths

“Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.”

Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.

Stop judging other by what you see. Because what you see is what they want you to see.

 

There’s a reason that I do what I do… I know my path better than anyone else. If you allow people to bring you down and keep you in place, then there is a problem. They won’t stop doing that, but what you can do is not caring. I know it’s tough, but isn’t it tougher to live up to everyone’s expectations? And in the process to be miserable?

Only you can give yourself liberty. No one is going to search in the cage that you build and drag you outside. The fact of the matter is that all people are concerned with their own lives, everyone is struggling to live and figure out their lives. You are responsible for your own path and how good or bad it comes out to be.

Usually, we are concerned that people are 24/7 judging us. Maybe some do, but most don’t even care. Just like you don’t care about them. It’s nothing wrong with that, in a sea of people you cannot afford to pay attention to everyone, and besides also judging them. If you don’t let your ego ruling your life, then BOOM, the perspective is changed and in a matter of second the world will seem different.

Only when you manage to give yourself liberty, you will find that life is easier, it flows naturally and you will be at your best. Nothing is too difficult if you know how to manage it, be it a problem, a concern or who knows what more.

Your brain is more powerful than you choose to believe. Trust it more.

Happy weekend!

 

 

 

@1001truths

Weekend inspo(II)

When everything changes(Including Lemonade)

“So, what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children, both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted. Most bomb p*ssy who, because of me, sleep evaded. Her God was listening. Her heaven will be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.” – Beyonce

 

When you finally settle, when your soul finds a peaceful place in this madness, every jigsaw puzzle piece match together.

You begin a new life, and you are proud of it. What happened is behind you, and what you are capable of doing now, with new strengths, is unlimited. It’s amazing how life can change in such a short time span.

But you should love it. Should I even state it again, that is liberating? It’s amazing. It’s amazing when you show up each and every day in your life and you make the best of each day. And it’s that much more amazing when you know where you have been and what you had to go through.

Don’t let people steal that from you. NEVER. This is how you get to build yourself and this is how you stay happy. By being authentic with yourself first, and then with others.

 

 

@1001truths

 

 

 

You can’t teach someone how to love

Love cannot be taught.

Why a lot of people are miserable is because they try and try endlessly to make themselves lovable, desired and feel worthful. But you cannot condition someone to feel a thing about you. Your job is just to be the best you, to constantly learn, for yourself first, and then for others. You can’t control what others think or feel about you, no matter how much you try.

Why we beg for all the things that we beg, why we desire all the things that we desire, is because we have a preconceived idea about how something should be. And that is wrong. You wouldn’t want someone to tell you how you should feel or act. Then don’t do the same to others, and don’t do this to yourself either. Everyone deserves better, and everyone deserves to act in their own manner.

Now, if you really believe this, it should be easier to let go of a few people, to love some and to understand others. The fact of the matter is that you are the only one that can control how you feel and only you control your inner peace.

Don’t ever wait for someone to finally see you. Don’t expect them to be a certain way. They are unique, their own kind of unique, and that makes them special. Don’t let you ideas change that, change something that is so beautiful just because YOU believe it should be different. It shouldn’t be different. If you still want something else, that means that is not meant for you. So leave. Don’t murder a soul just because it seems easier to stay and control.

If you love with all your being, if you pour all your soul out when loving, that’s great. If you love until the last moment, if you don’t let go because you think people may recover even in the last moment, that’s even greater. But know that if you don’t let go of toxic people, life will let them go for you. And in this nasty process, you are going to get hurt. It’s a hard price to pay, but still many people prefer it. It’s not stupid, it’s just raw love and belief.

Now I know all of these. Now I can understand what happened. Now I am better. I no longer have to numb my pain or my soul. All I ever wanted was to forget what you looked like. Forget about life. Forget how it felt like. Forget about you.

Did I? Apparently. But it’s just a façade. I did not need that. I just needed to understand you, even after you left.

@1001truths

 

 

 

 

 

The one that got away

Settle. Find your place. If you want me, you should fight. On that depends everything. It’s not about me anymore, I’ve done everything that I could. Now is the time for you to step up or go home. Now I will see if the love that we had was real.

Or don’t.